LIMERICKS

Posted by Admin on Saturday, 31st January 2009, 00:00

There climbed to the Long Stone a queue
of people who hadn’t a clue.
“What is it?” they cried:
“A moot point,” one replied.
A double-entendre, but true!

To French Mill there came three or four
continental grisettes on a tour,
who did more than a man can
when dancing the can-can –
vive la danse, vive la France, vive l’amour!

We learn from the work of Miss Loos,
that it’s blondes that all gentlemen choose.
But a punk on the spree
said, “They’re all one to me,
blondes, brunettes, or red, white and blues.”

Said Skipper Ted Heath (and I quote)
“In the New Morning Cloud – that’s my boat –
all the men of my crew
dress in true-Tory blue” –
quite a party afflatus afloat!

A Scottish young lady from Glamis
became ill when she travelled on tramis:
one day on a bus
she made such a fuss,
they said “You’re fit only for pramis.”

A lady when writing from Greece,
complained in these terms to her niece,
“I’ve been stung by most races,
in all sorts of places,
but here is the true Golden Fleece.”

Exclaimed once an old brontosaurus,
“My word, how these natives abhor us!
But I don’t care a hoot
for the arrows they shoot,
for my hide is quite thick and not porous.”

A stupid young fellow of Twickenham
once swallowed some stamps when lickin’ ’em.
His wife cried, “You clot!
that really is not
the right thing to do when you’re stickin’  ’em.”

To a singer once said Dr Chopra,
“The hair on your chest is like copra.
So there’s really no hope
that with my stethoscope
I can tell if you’re fit for an opera.”

A teacher of singing called Royce
said, “Really you give me no choice,
but to give you no marks
for those canine-like barks
you make when displaying your voice.”

A father named Josiah Ritson
said in German, “Oh donner und blitzen!
My son borrows my boots
my shirts and my suits,
you can all see how well the things fits ’un.”

A pretty young lady named Perry,
had a nose quite as red as a cherry,
which made people think
her addicted to drink,
which she was, and especially sherry.

A corpulent fellow called Hewitt
had a diet consisting of suet.
When the size of his girth
caused a great deal of mirth,
he cried, “I shall have to eschew it!”

An unfortunate fellow named Gleason,
caught a ’flu germ each winter season.
So his wife raised the issue
of who would buy tissue
for Gleason in season to sneeze on.

There was a young lady of Dorset
who let the men loosen her corset,
but when on pleasure bent
that’s as far as they went,
she exclaimed, “You are really a poor set!”

Princess Margaret would ride on a bus,
but to do so would cause a great fuss,
so H.R.H. had no choice
but to use her Rolls Royce,
a condition we know as nonplus.

Like English King John of ill fame,
Richard Three had a very bad name;
but the latest report
makes him quite a good sort,
neither cruel nor crooked, nor lame.

T. C. Hudson

© T. C. Hudson.

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